"Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat. I want to beat it with a bat. I want to stab it with a fork. It makes you look like such a dork."

Dear little a-holes who egged my car last night, stabbed my tire last year, and threw a rock at my windshield, I don't know why you think it's funny to make people cry and spend money they don't have on repairs; I would like to invite you to be my first victims if I ever decide to be a car serial killer.

Dear driver who likes to go 5 miles an hour in a 35, or stop in the middle of the road, or turn your blinker on to turn right, but get farther left in the lane instead of using the turn lane, or who literally has no logic or consideration for others whatsoever, I loathe your very existence. I don't understand how you can be so oblivious. I want to get out of my car, knock on your window, and give you a piece of my mind. Not that it would do any good, but it might make me feel a little better.

Dear occifer, no, I have not been drinking. It is customary for a person to speed up while attempting to get on the freeway. And you should be congratulating me that I was able to actually go the posted speed limit, let alone exceed it for ONCE in my measly little life, not punishing me. I'm sorry that you don't have a real job because you're a cop in Utah and there is nothing better for you to do than be a creepy stalker. Get a real job, and stop taking your frustrations out on me. How about you pull the people over who impede traffic instead? Their crime is much worse, I assure you. Or how about you catch the little a-holes who have been vandalizing my car, especially when there is plenty of evidence for you to figure it out? Or go arrest the person who was trying to run little kids over on the sidewalk on Halloween since you had the information you needed to do that also? Oh wait, that would take some wit and brain power. My bad, sorry I asked. And no, you cannot have my phone number.

Dear drummer who played for Manchester Orchestra in Salt Lake City on Tuesday, you're beautiful and I am very impressed with the fact that you picked up on all those songs in less than a six week time period. Thank you for taking your shirt off, and playing so vigorously the way you did. Did I mention that I think you're gorgeous? Wanna go out sometime? YOU can have my phone number.

Dear every boy who ever lived, I am a beautiful, talented, dedicated, trustworthy, good kisser, open-minded, accepting woman who hates shopping, and knows how to cook. Why do you make me feel like I'm worthless and the opposite of everything that I am?

Dear the friends who have been there for me, especially these past few months, I love you with all my heart! I can only hope you know that, and that you know I'd do anything for you. You've helped me through some tough times and made me Feel loved, rather than just knowing that I'm loved.

Dear adorable little niece, I want you to come back to Magga's house because you love me, too. And because I love you right back! I will go buy more bubble wrap for you to pop, and more Twinkies for you to eat.

Dear father, thank you for attempting to make an effort to make me feel like I matter to you once or twice in my life, but that's not enough.

Dear brain, why do you insist on making me feel like I've only had two hours of sleep when I've in fact had seven, or eight, or nine? It makes it quite difficult to get through the day on top of everything else. Could you, would you, please stop doing that?

Dear bed, why is life better when I'm wrapped in your cozy grasp, with the lights off, the world shut out, and dreams of marrying Josh Groban frolicking around in my head?

Dear television networks and producers, STOP putting shows on hiatus when they shouldn't be on hiatus!!!!!! And stop telling me a show is back on when it is not. It's not polite.

Dear Facebook, would you so kindly stop changing your layout every 5 minutes? Improvements are great, when they're actually improvements. Changing a site and making it less user friendly each time is the opposite of brilliant. Maybe you're trying to weed out the old people who don't know how to use computers, I don't know. But either way, it's annoying. If you insist on making changes, why don't you take a poll from the people who use the site and find out what the people who make you money want?

Dear certain person with whom I am acquainted at work, if I ask you about something, it doesn't mean that I did something wrong. For instance, I did not delete payments out of the computer because I think it's fun to make more work for myself and others with whom I am also acquainted at work. Oh wait, yes, that's right, I do frequently sabotage myself just for the heck of it for pure enjoyment.

Dear nicest person I've ever talked to in my entire life, I wish I could be more like you. I'd like to be able to persuade people with kindness, but they just make me so freaking mad sometimes. You have no idea the impact you have had on me, though, and I promise to try harder to emulate the kind of person you are.

Dear Michael Buble, I'm right here.

Dear life, I'm trying my best to live you the way I'm sure we both want. My Vision Board is helping, one small step at a time. There are a few things I'd like you to do; I'll call you later.

Thanks,
Rachael

Hi, my name is (insert name here) and I'm a stupid Driver

Can someone please explain this to me? Why were we given such amazing contraptions such as automobiles for the operators to continue to go walking speed? If they insist on going as fast as they would as if they were walking, then why don't they just get out and walk?! Seriously people. Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only person on the planet who is capable of driving over 20 mph. Is it really that difficult to push your foot down? Well, I guess if Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory can't master driving, being the genius that he is, maybe I should give the rest of the world a break. Let me think about that one... How about NO! Learn to drive PROPERLY, or get the freak off the roads and let the other people who actually know how to take advantage of an invention that is meant to get you places faster actually get places faster. I'd really appreciate it.

You may think I'm overreacting, but I assure you that I'm not. Here are just a few examples of the absurdity I've witnessed during my commutes, and trips, and things that if you do while driving in front of me, or near me, will set me off and you get the not so rare pleasure of witnessing my wrath.

*Going 30 mph (on the freeway, might I mention) and cutting right in front of someone going at least 20 mph faster than you is a brilliant idea. Let me explain something to you, a big hunk of metal going 20 mph slower than another big hunk of metal, with no room to react because you literally got two inches in front of them, equals a big hunk of crunched metal, and dead things. Solution: Pay attention!
*Cutting someone off because you don't want to be behind the slow person in front of you, and in turn putting the person you just cut off in the EXACT situation you were just in and tried to get out of because you didn't want to be behind someone going slow. Where's the logic in that? If you didn't want to be going slow and be stuck behind someone, then why would the person you just cut off want that? Solution: Wait until the person going faster than you has passed you (the two seconds it will take) THEN switch lanes.
*Parking yourself in the fast lane when a)someone is riding your butt AND b)another person is passing you on the left. And on top of that, when the person behind you switches lanes to move around you and you suddenly speed up so they can't pass you, so they get behind you again and you go slow AGAIN. Solution: WAKE UP PEOPLE! Go faster and maintain that speed, or move the freak over! It's NOT hard. Don't be an inconsiderate, ignorant butthead.
*Gunning it around a corner at a stop sign/signal to cut someone off, and then going a minimum of 10 under the speed limit (it's usually more than 10 under when this happens), and there was no one behind the person you cut off, meaning there was absolutely no reason to cut them off. Solution: 1. If you're willing to gun it to cut someone off, at least have the decency to go the speed they were going; 2. Again, wait the two seconds it would take for the person you're so rudely impeding to get past you and then turn.
*Honking at someone, screaming at them, or pronouncing other profanities at them because they were riding your butt or tried to pass you, when in fact they were completely justified and you're the one being rude. 99.9% of the time if someone is riding your tail, YOU are the one who is the jerk. Solution: Don't be a jerk.
*Slamming on your brakes to see the accident or the person pulled over on the side of the road, causing another accident, genius. Seriously? Solution: Mind your own freaking business, OR, if you must, watch the news.
*Slamming on your brakes because you see a cop, especially one who already has someone pulled over. For one, they aren't going to pull you over because you aren't even going the speed limit in the first place, so don't cause an accident on top of impeding traffic. For two, if you ARE going the speed limit, it's not illegal to go that speed, so stop being overly paranoid and just maintain your speed. Solution: Don't be an idiot.
*Cops on the freeway during rush hour, causing the idiot mentioned above to slam on their brakes and cause more traffic. Solution: Cops should realize that there is really no threat of people speeding during rush hour because it's rare that the traffic goes faster than 45 mph, so they should stay off the freeway, or do their jobs and pull the people over who deserve it, and by deserve it I mean the people who do any of the above. Also, if someone does happen to be speeding during rush hour, then good for them for escaping the clutches of the stupidity surrounding them for a brief moment. Who is the cop to take that away from them?

Add them all together on a daily basis, and it's enough to make a person go clinically insane. I'm just about there. I hope this proved to be a learning experience for some people. If you don't agree with me, then keep your comments to yourself, because I really don't care to hear them, and it's my blog, so I can say whatever I want and naysayers can mind their own business. And frankly, if you are offended then that probably means you have done one or all of the previous, and don't think there's anything wrong with it, and then I REALLY don't care what you have to say because I kind of hate you. Mmkay? :)