Friday, December 24, 2010

How To Get A Man: Advice From A Cartoon Princess

In keeping with my How To blog posts, I decided to share with all of you a fool proof way to get your man. This is timeless advice from Disney Princesses. Pick your favorite and take notes, ladies! Don't worry guys, stick around. There's some advice for you at the end, too.


Snow White:


For guys:

Friday, December 17, 2010

Speak Now, or maybe don't

I bought the Taylor Swift CD last night and I was listening to it today. The CD is called "Speak Now" and she has a song by the same title. I really like Taylor Swift, not because she's an amazing singer by any means, but because her songs are so personal. These are the lyrics to that song; I find them quite interesting as I've felt inclined to do this a couple times in the past:

I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely barging in
On a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl

I sneak in and see your friends
And her snotty little family
All dressed in pastel

And she is yelling at a bridesmaid
Somewhere back inside a room
Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry

This is surely not
What you thought it would be
I lose myself in a daydream
Where I stand and say:

Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door

Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out
And they said "speak now"

Fun gestures are exchanged
And the organ starts to play
A song that sounds like a death march

And I am hiding in the curtains
It seems I was uninvited
By your lovely bride-to-be

She floats down the aisle
Like a pageant queen
But I know you wish it was me
You wish it was me, don't you?

Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door

Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out
And they said "speak now"

Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door

Don't wait or say a single vow
Your time is running out
And they said, "speak now"

I hear the preacher say
"Speak now or forever hold your peace"
There's the silence, there's my last chance
I stand up with shaking hands, all eyes on me

Horrified looks from
Everyone in the room
But I'm only looking at you

I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely barging in
On a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl

So don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door

Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out
And they said, "speak now"

And you say
Let's run away now
I'll meet you when
I'm out of my tux at the back door

Baby, I didn't say my vows
So glad you were around when they said
"Speak now"

Like I said, this kind of hits home for me. I never actually went to the weddings or receptions because I didn't think I could handle watching them marry who I thought was the wrong girl for them, the kinds of girls who really do yell at their bridesmaids and make the man they are supposed to love feel like garbage and literally suck the life right out of them. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut and who am I tell them I thought they were living their lives wrong? And honestly, if they couldn't see it for themselves then I wasn't going to be able to change their minds, so I didn't go. I had no business being there anyway. But, unlike the person in this song, I wasn't uninvited to the weddings, I was invited six times. You heard me right, SIX. Ridiculous right? I burned the invitations in my driveway. We don't play the wedding march at LDS weddings, but I can imagine if they did and I had gone to those weddings, that it would have certainly sounded like the death march to me.

All of this seems really sad because I've felt every word of this song at one point, but one day I finally realized that I wouldn't want to be married to those boys. Why would I want to be married to someone who isn't aware of how other people make them feel? Why would I want to be married to someone who doesn't value their own happiness? Why would I want to be married to someone who doesn't have the guts to stand up for themselves? They were boys, and I am looking for a man. It took me awhile, but I'm grateful that I didn't give my life and heart to someone who wasn't deserving of it. Though I wouldn't wish those experiences on anyone and I certainly don't want to go through it again, I've loved and lived and learned and I am better for it.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Scarf Tying 101

I love scarves, I always have. I've worn them since I was in middle school. BUT I only know a few basic ways to wear them. I've learned a few new ways here and there from seeing people wear them, but I've gotten quite bored with them. So, I have this drawer full of scarves and rarely wear them because I don't really know what to do with them. I decided to research it (aka Google) and I found an awesome, awesome series from ModCloth on how to tie scarves in such cute ways that I have never seen before. And they are in a handy video form. I found another one from which was supposedly Four New Ways to Tie Scarves, but it turned out to be Four Ways to Tie Scarves if You've Been Living Under a Rock. I already knew how to tie two of them and the other ways were hideous. I decided to put them on my blog so I could share them with you, but also so I'd have a quick reference to them in the future. Without further ado, here are some videos you probably don't care about. The second one is probably my favorite. (Thank you to Justin for teaching me how to embed the videos. You're a pal!)

Scarf Tying 101: 1st Installment

Scarf Tying 101: 2nd Installment

Scarf Tying 101: 3rd Installment

Scarf Tying 101: 4th Installment

Friday, November 12, 2010

Commentary on 10 Quirky Facts About Kissing

This is an article from In parentheses are my commentaries.

"Think you know a thing or two about kissing? You probably do. But the facts below are so off the beaten path, we’ll bet you don’t know them all — and they could come in handy. Not only could they provide some steamy “Did you know…?” small talk, but they’ll help you see all the benefits a satisfying liplock can bring into your life. Happy smooching!

1. Two out of every three couples turn their heads to the right when they kiss. (I like going left, just to be a rebel.)

2. A simple peck uses two muscles; a passionate kiss, on the other hand, uses all 34 muscles in your face. Now that’s a rigorous workout! (Sometimes I think people get a little too rigorous and could benefit from simplifying things a little bit. Has anyone else ever been physically injured while being subject to a "passionate" kiss? Only me? Ok....)

3. Like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two lip impressions are alike. (Although, if they found your lip imprint at a crime scene I don't think they have a database to run it against.)

4. Kissing is good for what ails you. Research shows that the act of smooching improves our skin, helps circulation, prevents tooth decay, and can even relieve headaches. (I've used this remedy for headaches. One of the only two things that works for me. Ladies, no more saying "I have a headache" to get out of it ;) )

5. The average person spends 336 hours of his or her life kissing. (I spend more time than that in the car. That's pathetic!)

6. Ever wonder how an “X” came to represent a kiss? Starting in the Middle Ages, people who could not read used an X as a signature. They would kiss this mark as a sign of sincerity. Eventually, the X came to represent the kiss itself. (Interesting tidbit, but now I want to know where the O came from. So, I did a quick internet search. According to, "An O stands for hugs because the shape of arms around a person is roughly the shape of an O, and also because Jewish immigrants who did not wish to discriminate against God by using the turned shape of cross signed with an O instead of an X." The X is more interesting.)

7. Talk about a rush! Kissing releases the same neurotransmitters in our brains as parachuting, bungee jumping, and running. (What?! I highly doubt that. I'll do some research and get back to you. Also, I hate running.)

8. The average woman kisses 29 men before she gets married. (Start getting in line boys. I've got 15 more to go before I can get married, apparently. In case you didn't get that, that's a joke. If you randomly try to plant one on me, you'll get punched in the throat. That isn't a joke. :D)

9. Men who kiss their partners before leaving for work average higher incomes than those who don’t. (I'll be kissing my husband before he leaves for work regardless, but the higher income is a nice added bonus.)

10. The longest kiss in movie history was between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in the 1941 film, You’re in the Army Now. It lasted 3 minutes and 5 seconds. So if you’ve beaten that record, it’s time to celebrate!" (That's great, but how is the quality of the onscreen kiss? I'll have to rent it and analyze it. Did you know that my dream job is to be a Kissing Coach for movies? Nothing ruins a good chick flick like a bad kiss. My dream is to remedy that.)

Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor: The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All Time. (This book sounds funny. I think I might buy it.)

Monday, November 8, 2010

My Glee Experience

Friday, November 5, 2010 was seriously the best day of my life! I won tickets to go to a taping of the Sectionals episode for Glee this season! I took my good friend Kellyn Brandt with me.

I took this picture to illustrate my excitement! And also because my hair is getting really long.

I went and got Kellyn at noon because I wanted to make sure to get there early and scope everything out. The tickets said they were first come first serve and I didn’t want to take any chances at not getting in. We got to the theater a little after 1:00. No one was lined up yet, but there were cops everywhere. We went to eat at CPK and I got the avocado rolls because I haven’t had them in so long. SO good! We went to a soda shop after called Galcos. It’s a store with old fashioned sodas with really hilarious names. I took a lot of pictures. Then we headed back to the theater. It was about 3:30 at this point. The line was already really long, but not too bad. We waited there for 3 hours. Fans of Glee are super annoying! Kellyn and I were going a little nuts. But we had plenty of entertainment. There was a guy who looked like Billy Ray Cyrus. He had the hair, the super country shirt, and the chick sunglasses. Seriously, his hair didn’t budge an inch when he moved. I wish I’d had my camera, but we left everything in the car because they wouldn’t let us take any recording devices in. And I didn’t think we’d be there for more than like a half hour or so. I think I knew better than that, but I left my camera in the car anyway. People who worked with Glee kept coming out sporadically to give us photo release statements to sign and tell us to put our phones in our cars. One of them was really handsome. He looked just like Clinton from What Not To Wear. It was uncanny. He ended up being a big head honcho once we got inside. They finally gave us wrist bands at like 6:00 and they took us in at 6:30. It was definitely annoying to wait that long, but it was SO worth it once we got inside.

The set was interesting where the audience was sitting. There was a floor section and two balcony sections that were at a really steep incline. Kellyn and I were in the upper balcony section on the first row. We missed being in the lower section by like 6 people, which was a little frustrating because the lower section would for sure be on camera. The floor section was filled with dummies, the actor’s parents, and some paid extras. We sat inside for probably another hour before people started coming out on stage. But the Clinton guy said since we waited so long he was going to try to get the actors to come up and do Q&As with us. He said he couldn’t promise anything, but a short while later he brought Chris Colfer (Kurt) up with him! He was literally two feet in front of us as he walked by. That was my first heart attack of the night. SO cute! He is really witty and just completely adorable. Someone asked him why he was so adorable and he said some of it was genetics and he was created in a lab. Another girl asked him if he was single - implying that she wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to tell her that he likes boys in real life. He was wearing a Chunk shirt!

The exact one that my sister Amanda has. I thought that was funny. We tried to get him to do the Truffle Shuffle, but he declined.

We were given prop programs, but they were pretty legit and had a lot of information about Sectionals in them. They started filming with one of the other groups. The group was called The Hipsters and they were seniors, as in senior citizens. Seriously, one of the cutest things ever. They sang a song I’ve never heard of called In the Living Years. They filmed the group from behind to get shots of the audience. After they performed, The Warblers performed. They’re the group from the school that Kurt’s new boyfriend is the lead singer of. They sang Hey, Soul Sister, a song that I loathe. But now I have a positive memory of it, so I don’t loathe it quite so much anymore. They rocked it. It was very entertaining and they were wearing the sexiest prep school blazers. I dig men in uniform.

After the first two groups performed, all of the Glee cast members slowly started coming out on the stage and everyone in the audience was obviously screaming. They really weren’t that far away from us. I could see them all perfectly. Cory Monteith (Finn) popped out really quick up on the balcony and said, “Hi!” That was my second heart attack of the night! That’s all he said because he had to go down to film, but he was like 10 feet away from us!

New Directions performed Time Of My Life and a song called Valerie. They were both awesome. The dancing was a lot more involved than they’ve done in the past. Especially in Valerie. Heather Morris (Brittany) and Harry Shum, Jr. (Mike Chang) did a sick swing dance number with all these awesome lifts, or “fireworks” as it was described to us.

There was a lot of downtime between takes and it was so funny to sit and watch the cast interact. Kevin McHale (Artie) and Naya Rivera (Santana) were meowing at each other and Kevin does this game where he plays an animal and the rest of the cast gives him commands like he were a dog or something. He was a big flirt. Kevin would stand up a lot in between takes and the other cast members would play in his wheelchair. When he and Jenna Ushkowitz (Tina) came up for their Q&A it was really funny to see him just walk up. Mark Salling (Puck. That’s right, Puck is back! And so is his Mohawk!) took a video of Harry Shum, Jr. doing a Dirty Dancing impression of Patrick Swayze and posted it on Twitter. I laughed so hard and you can totally hear me in the video.

Cory Monteith was staring at me from the stage the whole time. One of the perks of having red hair, I guess: you stand out in a crowd. He and Lea Michele (Rachel) came up together toward the end of the night and when they were called back down they said they’d let them come right back up. People had been trickling out throughout the night and after Lea and Cory went down to film after their Q&A, Kellyn and I moved down to the lower balcony and were in the 3rd row from the front, right in the middle section. That’s when they did most of the filming of the audience, so we’re totally going to be on the show if they show the balcony section at all! They sent us home right after that.

Half of the actors came up for Q&As at one point or another except for Amber Reilly (Mercedes), Heather Morris, Matthew Morrison (Mr. Shue), Harry Shum, Jr., Naya Rivera, and Mark Salling. Harry and Mark came up and signed some autograph’s, though, so all the cast except for three people came up to at least say hi. Naya and Heather may have been in that group, too, but I can’t remember. And they were all just feet away from me! Dianna Agron (Quinn) was so sweet. She is completely the opposite of her character in real life. And Chord Overstreet (Sam) seems like he’s in love with her in real life as well as on the show. The cast members who didn’t come up all waved to us from the stage and most of them said something to us. Matthew Morrison told us we were sexy.

We got to be there for four hours. Best four hours of my life! There were so many things going on around me that made me want to pee my pants the whole time! The whole day I just kept saying, “This is real!” I accomplished one of my main goals of moving to California and I was on Glee! It was so amazing! It wasn’t what I had originally anticipated when I moved out here to try to get on the show, but I’m completely satisfied with the opportunity I got. It was seriously the BEST DAY EVER!!!!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"In all living have much laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." -Pres. Hinckley

There have been a lot of thoughts running through my head lately; lots of frustration and sorrow and surprisingly some joy. Pretty mixed emotions, to say the least. But mostly I've been frustrated with people complaining. We tend to complain about things a lot. It may sound like something as simple as: "My day was uneventful; I'm bored; nothing exciting happened today." What I wouldn't give to be able to say those things about the past couple weeks. I'd be glad to be able to say those things. Now, don't get me wrong, I think venting is important so we don't let negativity fester and build up and cause more stress and there are plenty of legitimate reasons to complain in this life. But when someone complains in a way that makes it sound like the world is coming to an end or their life is over, that's when I get frustrated. I understand, I know I've said things like that in the past and I've claimed to feel that way. I used to feel like that all the time and not want to go on living over the smallest thing, but recently my life was put into perspective and I have a problem with saying things like that and feeling like that now. When your car won't start, when the person you like doesn't like you back, when you sleep through your alarm and are late for work or school, get cut off driving, hate your job, get cheated on, beat up, broken up with, life hands you lemons in any way shape or form, when you think you couldn't possibly handle any more heartache, I assure you that your life is absolutely NOT over. I know there are things that make you feel like that, and I know you're going through a list of things in your head right now that you think contradict what I'm saying and you're probably offended. That's not the point of this post. I just want to share the perspective I've gained with you.

Last week my family's lives came to a screeching halt. My brother's wife was pregnant with twin boys and by February we were going to have our 15th grand-baby/niece/nephew. She went into pre-term labor on October 20 and held out miraculously until October 25 when both babies were born and died after only an hour of living and suddenly our lives weren't so filled with hopefulness. If anyone has a good reason to feel like their lives are over and give up it's my brother and his wife. But they reacted the opposite way. They look at this tragedy as a reason for living, a reason to love each other more, a reason to live righteously so they can be with their sweet boys again. They are my heroes. My brother said something on his blog that I want to share with you:

"What's your worst fear? Most people are afraid of a lot of things: public speaking, spiders, water, heights, failure, the opposite sex . . . I've only ever been afraid of one thing: my family and loved ones getting hurt...

At 7:42 a.m. on October 25, 2010, the unthinkable happened. My worst fear punched me right in the face. I stared down my worst nightmare...

Funny how life slaps you in the face. At 7:42, the most bittersweet moment of my life...Julie and I had decided that we weren't going to have the doctors try to resuscitate our boys. We knew they weren't going to make it and we wanted them to spend what little time they would be alive by being held in our arms; not lying on a table with tubes and pumps and probes.

Benson and Lincoln came into this world together, and they left together. At 8:30 a.m. on October 25, 2010... our boys were gone. Even though we knew it was coming, Julie and I both broke down. It was absolutely the worst moment of my life...

I had an epiphany yesterday. I realized that I've been through hell... I've faced my absolute worst-case scenario. And you know what? I'm still here. I'm still Jeffrey. I still have my sense of humor. And I'm still going to change the world.

I realized yesterday that once you've faced your worst nightmare and broken through it, there's only one direction to go: UP.

There is pretty much nothing that could ever happen to me that could possibly be worse than the loss of my twin boys. But I've learned that no matter what happens, no matter how bleak the outlook becomes, there is always hope. It's always my choice. It's always going to be okay. And I can always go UP."

I don't think there is anything worse in the world than losing a child, let alone two and at the same time. It would be so easy for my brother and his wife to just give up, but they haven't. They instead are blessing other people's lives and truly changing the world. I know they've changed mine. The faith my brother and his wife have showed through this obviously difficult time is an inspiration. I'm still going to complain, I'm still going to get upset, I'm still going to give into human nature and make mistakes, but I'm going to try a lot harder not to and I will never again let myself feel like my life is over, because it's not. This has been a really hard time for my whole family. It's not easy and each day is an emotional battle, but we're going to get through it. Like Jeffrey said, it's always going to be okay. In their one hour of living, my sweet nephews Benson and Lincoln changed my life forever. I'm sad I didn't get to meet them, but I'm going to change my life and be the best me I can so I will get to meet them. I know they're watching over me and all of my family and helping us through. I hope everyone can find such a strong motivation to be their best. I hope everyone can find something to hope for even in the darkest times. I hope everyone can find joy even in the most tragic circumstances because there is always a reason to be your best, there is always a reason for hope, and there is always a reason for joy. I pray that everyone can find those reasons and live for them.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Glee-cap: Brtiney/Brittany

This was the most fantastic Glee episode thus far, completely trumping my original favorite episode, Laryngitis. I L.O.V.E. Brittany. She's always had excellent one-liners, and this episode was full of an overwhelmingly brilliant slew of them, but giving her complete thoughts together with her dancing and singing abilities created a bombshell, making me change my opinion of her from being mildly amused to sheer adoration. Her monologue about why she didn't want to sing Britney songs left me gasping for air from utterly awesome delight: "My name is also Britney Spears. My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pearce, that makes me Brittany S. Pearce: Britney Spears." Oh, the joy in my heart.

Some of the best Brittany one-liners from the night:
-"This room looks like the one on that space ship where I got probed." (Carl not reacting was the cherry on top.)
-"When I smile I'll look like an adult baby, but with boobs."
-"Finn can fly?"

Brittany attacked everything. I've never wanted to be anyone else so much in my life! She looked almost exactly like Britney Spears in the videos, it was uncanny. That snake almost went in her mouth and she didn't even react! She is such an amazing dancer, I'm glad they finally gave her the chance to shine and gave us the opportunity to witness her gloriousness. I wish I were as hot as her and that I could dance like that. And holy crap, those little kids in her fantasy rocked it! Also, I love it when SYTYD dancers are on the show. Sometimes they're hard to spot, but it's always such a joy to see them.

There were other things in the episode that I enjoyed as well as Brittany. For example, Emma's elation about the seemingly simple act of mixing the green grapes and the red grapes together in one bowl with Carl was adorable. "It was madness, sheer madness." And then John Stamos walked in and all of a sudden there he was, just like that. It was glorious.

I loved that almost all the Glee kids had perfectly white, shiny teeth like movie stars, except for Brittany, Artie, and Rachel, who prides herself on her star quality. Poor Artie. Another glorious one-liner from Brittany: "I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist."

Kurt was a sassy little fire house in this episode. He's never had that much spunk or passion that he's voiced before, except for that one time when he called out Finn when they were going to be roommates. It was a little shocking, I'm not sure yet if it was in a good or a bad way.

I liked Brittany better as Britney than I liked Rachel. I thought she looked cute, though. It just wasn't her best style of music. She's definitely more of a balladeer :) (that word totally spell checked, in case you were wondering). You could tell she was uncomfortable with the dance moves, too. I'm not sure if Lea Michele just needed to loosen up or if they were having her act a little uptight on purpose because that's Rachel.

That creepy blogger guy's reaction to Rachel's school girl look was so awfully wrong it was fantastic. "What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house. I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house." I think I would have reacted the same way Finn did if I were faced with that in reality, walked away wide-eyed and terrified. I'm not even going to get into the HORROR Sue saw.

I was so embarrassed for Will with all the gimmicks he pulled to try to win Emma back. He was such a douchey ex-boyfriend in this episode. Boys, take note, copying the new guys' every move will just make you look like an idiot, and a scrambling idiot at that. But question, why does Terri get a spousal support check when she's the hag that wrecked their marriage? She is scary!

I think it's amusing, but frustrating, that they have singers guest star on Glee, but they don't sing. Josh Groban, hello?! And again with Britney Spears. At least they had Olivia Newton John sing on the show. But since Josh Groban is the reason I started watching Glee in the first place, I would like to see him sing when he guest stars.

I almost died when the football team started breaking out to "Stronger"! First, they got down to "All the Single Ladies" (which got me hooked on Glee to the point I could never look back), and then this. Sheer genius. I love Artie so much. He's probably my favorite. He's so preppy, but so gangster. He's always so hardcore in the songs he sings. And is it just me, or is Finn improving with his dancing? Last week when he tried out for the Cheerios was the highlight of my life. I feel like he's starting to hold his own. The best part was when Artie woke up: "Mmmmm. Britney."

It warmed my heart when Coach Bieste had change of heart about Finn and Artie being on the football team. I really like where her character is going. She doesn't creep me out like Coach Tanaka did. I think it was his form fitting spandex/rayon clothing and the fact that he was always sweaty. I wouldn't have dated him even if I weren't a germaphobe like Emma. But I am one, so maybe that's why I wouldn't. I'm not nearly at the level Emma is, though.

Did it weird out anyone else that Mr. Shue danced with his students in such a provocative number? I was a little worried about where that was heading. He totally creeped me out in this episode. He's sexier when he doesn't try to be. I have been really wondering what was intentional and what was just happenstance in the way the characters came off in this episode. I also wonder what the "Toxic" performance will do for the Glee Club, if anything. I did enjoy Mr. Shue's singing in the song, but it was still creepy. At least he acknowledged it later on. The cat calling from the blogger guy and the girl standing next to him made me laugh uncontrollably: "Mr. Shue, let me be your Britney." "Mr. Shue, I want your babies." And Sue's line was the best: "It's a Britney Spears sex riot!"

Okay, question: Carl or Mr. Shue? Who would you pick? I already love Carl. If I were Emma, I would totally choose him, especially after the way Will acted in this episode. I don't even care if Carl can sing or not. And not just because he's John Stamos, but if I remember correctly, he can sing (have mercy!).

One last thought about Mr. Shue's plot line this episode, I'm sorry Will, but it wasn't that you weren't good enough for Emma the way you were, it was that you weren't loyal to her...

I really liked the development of Rachel and Finn's relationship in this episode. Rachel worried me at first. She was a little too manipulative and unreasonable, and I realize she acted that way because of her insecurities, but it was awful. I appreciated that they grew stronger instead of just breaking up. I'm curious when they're going to bring to light the fact that Finn and Santana slept together and that Jesse and Rachel didn't. I miss Jesse. And what happened to Puck and Quinn's relationship? Puck never stays with anyone for very long and they rarely talk about his bouncing around. But he told her he loved her, that's not something I'm just going to forget. I'm glad that Finn shot Quinn down, even though it was awful of Rachel to test him like that. The way Finn looked at Rachel when she was singing to him was beautifully heartbreaking (I love Paramore), and the moment when he pushed through Brittany and Santana over to Rachel and walked down the hall holding her hand was so My So Called Life that I almost cried.

The writers and creators of Glee wanted to give Brittany her limelight, and they succeeded with flying colors. I'm a Brittany fan through and through. I hope they'll continue to showcase her talents in each episode to come. This show is pure brilliance. It's a show that encourages people accept themselves and others for who they are. It makes me want to be a better person. And it thoroughly entertains me in the process. There isn't anything else out there like it.

Friday, April 9, 2010

American Dream my eye

I've been thinking a lot about the "American Dream" lately. In theory, a place where someone can go and become whoever and whatever they want sounds fantastic. In reality, though, it's more like a nightmare. We're almost forced to work mundane, useless jobs where we're under appreciated, and abused physically, mentally, and emotionally, essentially working for other people's gain just to give all our hard earned money to people who don't even need it, unless we're lucky enough to be our own boss and can do as we choose. But even then, we have to pay taxes, and follow certain laws and ethics that were set up by who knows who. We live in a time where we can choose any profession we want and chase after it, go to school, start a business, anything. But let me tell you something, I stopped learning new things in the 6th grade because after that point I was taught the same things I had already learned, or things that were useless. In college, I learned logarithms, and by learned I mean I knew what they were long enough to do the homework, forgot everything about them, reviewed them for the test, and once I had taken the test the information went right back out of my brain. I've been out of high school almost six years now, have I ever once used a logarithm? No! So, why did I waste brain power, time, energy, and money learning them in college? Whatever happened to the days of apprenticeships where you chose your profession and went to work alongside a master? You'd learn the skill in a few months and then spend your time perfecting it. Now, you sit in a desk and are talked at for four years before you're allowed the slightest experience with your chosen profession. I don't learn from lectures and books, I learn from experiencing things first hand, and I retain the information for much longer. If the information is relevant and useful, then I'll remember it because I'm constantly using it. Logarithms, bah! I'm not going to be a mathematician, or a physicist, or whoever uses those things, so I didn't need to learn about them. The so called dream has complicated things. Sure, there are perks, like being able to Google something you're curious about. But find a good old fashioned book and you could do the same thing. Or social networking sites that allow you to contact friends you haven't seen or heard from in years, but I remember the good old days when people would write each other letters. Go figure. My brother said he thinks computers will be the downfall of our society. I agree with him. Think of all the things that computers complicate. I know, they're great, whatever. They're a plague, and yet here I am using one. We're at the mercy of technology. Computers are making it so we don't have to think anymore. As I'm typing this, I don't have to make sure that I spell things correctly, because the computer checks it for me. It's all too convenient. We look at the world around us and see ancient buildings and creations with character and history that were built in spite of the seemingly impossible feat it was, but somehow it was accomplished. We now have technology and machines that can easily create such beautiful buildings, but it's out of budget and not profitable to create things of quality, so we build concrete boxes instead. Cars, great in theory, but add in the factors that we have no control over like traffic lights, stop signs, speed limits, over zealous testosterone fueled cops, never ending construction and other cars and the egos that come with them, and they just add to the problem instead of creating a solution. Give me a horse drawn carriage, or a place where I can walk everywhere I need to go over a car any day and I'll take it gratefully. They complicate things. I don't like complicated. I want to live in a place where I can go out in the sunshine and enjoy it, and not have to worry about where I have to be, or who's expecting me where. I want to grow my own food, make my own clothes, read a book lying on the sand at the beach, and watch the sun set over the crashing waves and have some space and land and room to breathe around me, and time to myself where I can do the things I love without feeling guilty like I'm shirking my responsibilities. Give me that, let me have that, and I will feel free.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

"Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat. I want to beat it with a bat. I want to stab it with a fork. It makes you look like such a dork."

Dear little a-holes who egged my car last night, stabbed my tire last year, and threw a rock at my windshield, I don't know why you think it's funny to make people cry and spend money they don't have on repairs; I would like to invite you to be my first victims if I ever decide to be a car serial killer.

Dear driver who likes to go 5 miles an hour in a 35, or stop in the middle of the road, or turn your blinker on to turn right, but get farther left in the lane instead of using the turn lane, or who literally has no logic or consideration for others whatsoever, I loathe your very existence. I don't understand how you can be so oblivious. I want to get out of my car, knock on your window, and give you a piece of my mind. Not that it would do any good, but it might make me feel a little better.

Dear occifer, no, I have not been drinking. It is customary for a person to speed up while attempting to get on the freeway. And you should be congratulating me that I was able to actually go the posted speed limit, let alone exceed it for ONCE in my measly little life, not punishing me. I'm sorry that you don't have a real job because you're a cop in Utah and there is nothing better for you to do than be a creepy stalker. Get a real job, and stop taking your frustrations out on me. How about you pull the people over who impede traffic instead? Their crime is much worse, I assure you. Or how about you catch the little a-holes who have been vandalizing my car, especially when there is plenty of evidence for you to figure it out? Or go arrest the person who was trying to run little kids over on the sidewalk on Halloween since you had the information you needed to do that also? Oh wait, that would take some wit and brain power. My bad, sorry I asked. And no, you cannot have my phone number.

Dear drummer who played for Manchester Orchestra in Salt Lake City on Tuesday, you're beautiful and I am very impressed with the fact that you picked up on all those songs in less than a six week time period. Thank you for taking your shirt off, and playing so vigorously the way you did. Did I mention that I think you're gorgeous? Wanna go out sometime? YOU can have my phone number.

Dear every boy who ever lived, I am a beautiful, talented, dedicated, trustworthy, good kisser, open-minded, accepting woman who hates shopping, and knows how to cook. Why do you make me feel like I'm worthless and the opposite of everything that I am?

Dear the friends who have been there for me, especially these past few months, I love you with all my heart! I can only hope you know that, and that you know I'd do anything for you. You've helped me through some tough times and made me Feel loved, rather than just knowing that I'm loved.

Dear adorable little niece, I want you to come back to Magga's house because you love me, too. And because I love you right back! I will go buy more bubble wrap for you to pop, and more Twinkies for you to eat.

Dear father, thank you for attempting to make an effort to make me feel like I matter to you once or twice in my life, but that's not enough.

Dear brain, why do you insist on making me feel like I've only had two hours of sleep when I've in fact had seven, or eight, or nine? It makes it quite difficult to get through the day on top of everything else. Could you, would you, please stop doing that?

Dear bed, why is life better when I'm wrapped in your cozy grasp, with the lights off, the world shut out, and dreams of marrying Josh Groban frolicking around in my head?

Dear television networks and producers, STOP putting shows on hiatus when they shouldn't be on hiatus!!!!!! And stop telling me a show is back on when it is not. It's not polite.

Dear Facebook, would you so kindly stop changing your layout every 5 minutes? Improvements are great, when they're actually improvements. Changing a site and making it less user friendly each time is the opposite of brilliant. Maybe you're trying to weed out the old people who don't know how to use computers, I don't know. But either way, it's annoying. If you insist on making changes, why don't you take a poll from the people who use the site and find out what the people who make you money want?

Dear certain person with whom I am acquainted at work, if I ask you about something, it doesn't mean that I did something wrong. For instance, I did not delete payments out of the computer because I think it's fun to make more work for myself and others with whom I am also acquainted at work. Oh wait, yes, that's right, I do frequently sabotage myself just for the heck of it for pure enjoyment.

Dear nicest person I've ever talked to in my entire life, I wish I could be more like you. I'd like to be able to persuade people with kindness, but they just make me so freaking mad sometimes. You have no idea the impact you have had on me, though, and I promise to try harder to emulate the kind of person you are.

Dear Michael Buble, I'm right here.

Dear life, I'm trying my best to live you the way I'm sure we both want. My Vision Board is helping, one small step at a time. There are a few things I'd like you to do; I'll call you later.