Reminiscence

I've been pondering a lot lately about how my life is going. It's interesting to look back and think of what my life was like this time last year. It's a lot different. I remember thinking at the beginning of this year that it was going to be an awful year. The first thing that happened this year was my car getting vandalized on New Year's and having to fork over a $500 deductible for about $1000 worth of damage to my car. And I got a ticket immediately after taking my car into the repair shop and getting my rental. It was off to an excellent start. There were other things that added to the consensus that this would in fact be an un-joyous year, but I won't get into it. There were also things that suggested otherwise, like my boss giving me money to cover the deductible. Just giving it to me. And my best friend taking me on a trip to San Diego just to get away. It was a roller coaster of a year, but it is ending well. I am a published artist and writer. I got really good grades in school. I have three amazing callings in my ward. I am a better person than I was a year ago, and I'm truly happy. Thank goodness someone is watching over me who knows what I need and directs my paths. I can't wait to see what the next year brings!

Christmas

Christmas was great this year. I had to work on Christmas Eve and I was expecting to get off at 7 p.m. and then drive home. All the salesmen wanted to go home too I guess, so I got off work a little before 4 and was able to get home at 7:15ish and surprise my family. It was the greatest. I told my sister who I live with in St. George that I was leaving early because I decided it would be smart to have at least one person know I was on the road.

My Grandpa died in June of this year, and he would always read the Christmas story to my family on Christmas Eve so it was hard for everyone that he wasn't here. Two years ago we recorded him reading it for the last time; he was too sick last year for us to go see him. I was sick two years ago with some sort of flu, but my brother gave me a blessing and I felt better. I'm so grateful for the Priesthood so I could spend that last Christmas Eve with my Grandpa. We watched videos of him on Christmas Eve, the ones from his funeral and the one of him reading the Christmas story and we all blubbered like little girls. My Mom gave all of us framed pictures of us with Grandpa. It was one of the best Christmas Eves I've had.

Christmas day was really relaxed. Last year the family didn't wake up until about 9 because we're all grown up now. I woke up thinking they had Christmas without me. This year my brother's kids were here so we woke up just before 7 a.m. I got some sweet gifts, including a piano and the keys light up on it! Then I slept for most of the day. Oh, the joys of holidays. I love sleeping!

Happenings & Changes

I'm going home for Christmas tomorrow! I'm way excited about it. At first it was going to be the same situation as Thanksgiving. I was supposed to work the Saturday after so I would have had to come home after a day and a half, but again some angel decided to close the office. So now I get to go home from the night of Christmas Eve until Monday afternoon. It's going to be awesome! I can't wait to see my Mom. I've been missing her a lot these days, to the point of wanting to move home. But I'm staying in St. George for at least Spring Semester, although I am applying to BYU for next Fall. I don't know if that's what I'll do, but I want to at least apply.

I'm moving in the next week or so. I will be blocks from campus. I'm excited to have roommates and people to hang out with. I'm also excited that when I have a few hours between class that I can go home now instead of figuring out what to do so I don't have to drive to Hurricane and back. Now it's just a quick walk.

My last day at my job is on the 31st. Only four more work days. I'm going to miss the girls I work with, but it's going to be nice to not have to work. I'm going to try to sell my cards for a little income on top of my scholarships and stuff. I've put a few of them up on http://www.thescrapbookingcricut.com/, my sister's website, and we'll see how that goes.

While I'm enjoying the semester and Christmas break (I slept in until about 1:30 today and it was divine!), I am excited for the new semester. I'm going to have about 40 hours of classes each week, but I can't wait. I have four art classes, two dance classes, four institute classes, I'm on the newspaper staff, and I have a smatter of other classes as well. It's going to be wonderful.

I've lost some friends recently (not to death, just by choice on my part or theirs), but I've also made several new ones. I can make connections with new people easily, but sometimes I have a hard time maintaining a friendship. I get insecure and scared that they won't like who I am. That's one of the biggest fears I need to overcome, and has been one of the most difficult for me. I have very few longtime friends, but those I do have I cherish. I've had a lot of single-serving friends, or friends for a season. More than I would like to. I'd like them all to be longtime friends. I found a quote by Jim Carrey that I wanted to share. He said, "I believe that everything that happens to you is the greatest thing that could ever happen to you." I really like that because it goes along with everything happens for a reason. I've found lately that even the things that seem awful turn out to be the best thing for you, so I completely agree with him. Who knew he could be so insightful?

Interesting

Life is interesting. It is interesting to see events come to pass in life and think that something is one way but it's really another, good or bad. When I moved to St. George I was running away. I thought my life was over (yes, I'm over dramatic), and I thought it was unfair that I had to change my life because of circumstances that were out of my control. It was a hard transition, but it turned out to be the biggest blessing in my life so far. I've really learned a lot about myself over the last year, and I've grown up A LOT. I've gained experiences that would have taken me a lot longer to experience if I had stayed in Orem. It's as if I had my eyes opened down here. I tried to run away from my problems but I realized how to deal with them instead. I don't know why, but I'm surely not going to complain about it.

I've still got leaps and bounds to go before I can say that I'm even close to the person that I want to be, but I'm getting there. I'm moving forward and growing, I'm happy, I'm more confident, I'm stepping outside my comfort zone, and challenging myself. If something scares me I decide to do it anyway to prove to myself that I will not let fear rule my life. I have lived that way and I don't like it. I don't like missing opportunities because I'm afraid to try something, or being treated badly because I'm afraid to stand up for myself. I don't like having to hide who I really am because I'm afraid of not being accepted or understood. I'm not afraid to fail, lose, be wrong, or make a fool out of myself... Well, I am, but I'm not going to let it stop me from shooting for the stars. I still sometimes let my fears get the better of me, but I'm working really hard to not do that, but instead use my fears as a motivation. One of the teachers at my high school always said, "It's better to shoot for the stars and miss than aim for a cowpie and hit." I concur!

Tender Mercies

The Lord works in mysterious ways, like they always say. I've been looking for a place to live closer to campus and I found this AMAZING house right by the temple, and only a few blocks from campus. It has a pool, and it's old and vintage. I love it. My brother knows the landlords, and the rent is only a little over $200 a month. I just needed some roommates. So, I started praying that I'd find some. On Sunday I sat by my friend in Sunday school and I was going to ask if she knew anyone who needed roommates. But she asked me where I lived first. So I said that I live in Hurricane, but I'm trying to move. She said she's looking for a roommate so I should move in with her. My prayers were answered! Not in the way I expected, but a blessing none the less!

And this makes me feel like I'm in Jr. High, but it's been making my life interesting lately. I see this boy at the Firesides every week and I've had a crush on him since the first one I went to like 3 months ago, but I still haven't met him. I at least know his name, but we've had nothing more than slight interactions, waving and saying hi. I see him everywhere, though. It makes my day every time. I know, totally Jr. High, but it's something that makes me smile.

I quit my job. I had two, and I quit one about a month ago, and now I've quit the other one. I feel like I'm down here to go to school to be an artist and my schedule for the coming semester doesn't really permit me to work, so I prayed about it and I took a leap of faith and quit my other job. So, now I'm just a full time student. All I've ever done is work, so it's a relief. School doesn't feel like work to me. I enjoy it immensely, even through finals. Somehow it's working out for me to be able to just go to school. I've got waivers and scholarships, and money coming from random sources to keep me afloat. It's all working out miraculously, as everything has with school so far. I love feeling like I'm in the place where I'm supposed to be. Not every day is peachy, like today even, but I am happy to be me and happy to be where I am. The Lord loves me and he's blessing me, and he's blessing my family. Some of my siblings who have been away from the church for some time now are all coming back. That is one of the greatest tender mercies of all. Prayers are answered and the church is TRUE!!!!

Pushing Daisies

There is a show on ABC called Pushing Daisies, and I am in love with it. The main storyline in a nutshell is about a man named Ned who can touch dead things and bring them back to life. If he brings something back to life for more than a minute, then something else of equal size must die. After he touches something he's brought back to life for the second time it is dead forever and he can't bring it back again. Only one other person knows about his ability. His name is Emerson, and he and Ned solve murders together. Ned's childhood sweetheart and soul mate, Charlotte aka Chuck, is murdered in the first episode and he brings her back to life to find out who killed her. He was going to touch her again and she would be dead forever, but he decided that he didn't want to live without her again after being separated for so long, so he kept her alive. (There are other important details to the show, but this is the background you need for the point I'm trying to make).

Ned and Chuck are completely in love. They were each others' first kiss and neither has ever kissed anyone else, and now they can't touch or she will be dead forever. The thing I love most is that they love each other so much that they're staying together and being faithful to each other even though they can't have a physical relationship. Ned goes out of his way to make sure that Chuck is happy. She loves bees, so he created a bee colony on the roof of their apartment building for her. They pretend to hold hands with each other while they're just holding their own hands, and they held hands through a wall (you have to see it for yourself to see what I'm talking about). They found out that they can touch through plastic or thick materials in one of the episodes, so Ned builds contraptions that they can hold each other through. Chuck kissed him through Saran wrap in that episode. It is adorable. Ned says sincerely sweet things to her all the time, for example, she asked him what he needed to be happy and he replied, "You." And just the way they look at each other. It gives me butterflies just watching them. They can't live without each other and would do anything for each other. I highly recommend watching the show because I can't even hope to accurately describe the appeal of it.

Call me a silly girl, but that is an amazing thing to me. As someone who has been rejected emotionally in relationships over and over again because I won't sleep with the boy I'm dating, to have someone just love me and want to be with me no matter what is something that I long for. The show has an incredibly romantic appeal to it, almost a surreal aspect and it gives me hope. I know it's fictional, but it gives me hope that there are men out there who are mature enough to know that there is more to being in a relationship than just the physical aspects and who would love me, stay with me, find other ways to express their love for me, and be true to me even if they couldn't touch me at all.

Randomocity

16 random facts about me that I know you are just DYING to know! :) This is a post from my Facebook, and I wanted to post it here as well because I thought it was fun. And p.s. I didn't make the play :( oh well, I didn't let my fear stop me from trying. And, I stood up to some of the people who have been harassing me and so forth. Look at me being all grown up and stuff :P Without further delay:

1. I love Batman, A LOT and I get in arguments with people about why he's the coolest superhero. I even named my blog after him.
2. I open the bathroom door before I wash my hands in my home or other people's homes so I don't have to touch the handle. And in public restrooms I use my sleeve or a paper towel. I'm a germ-a-phobe; I get it from my mom.
3. I don't like animals still because my favorite childhood pet was hit by a car and killed when I was 12 and I had to peel him off the road. And because they're dirty and jump on me. I do like sharks and fish though.
4. I have 2 extra vertebrae in my neck and they are deformed. Normal people have 7, I have 9.
5. I've never had a romantic relationship that lasted over 12 weeks, and we spent 6 weeks of it apart.
6. You never really know what my opinion is going to be on something because I am not a right side or a left side person, I'm somewhere in between.
7. I think in song, or movie quotes. People say things and I start quoting a movie or singing a song in my head. Edward Cullen would not know what was going on if he read my mind.
8. I had a fetish for vampires before Twilight, and that's actually the reason that I read the books.
9. I got kissed by a married guy (who I didn't know was married) when I was 19 and went on a two year kissing fast because I was so traumatized.
10. Call me the weirdest girl in the world, but I don’t want a wedding reception. I want a temple wedding, dress, pictures, and a 3 week long honeymoon. That’s IT. No frilly decorations or flowers, no bridesmaids, no drama.
11. I also don’t like chocolate, or shopping.
12. Caffeine makes me shake, almost like I’m having a seizure. Needless to say, I don’t drink it, or take any pills that contain it.
13. I’ve pretty much had a job in every type of field there is: medical, construction, restaurant, retail, legal, teaching, etc...
14. I have never bought a cell phone. I get the free ones, but I’m really picky about which type I get. It can’t be cheapy plastic or look like a toy.
15. I have really vivid, and really freaky dreams every night.
16. When I was little, one of my friend’s brothers liked to pick on me, so he tried to do Bloody Mary to me and to this day I still can’t go in a dark bathroom.

Play Tryouts

I tried out for a play today. I have resolved that I'm not going to let fear rule my life and miss out on things because I'm afraid, so this was one of the first steps. I have wanted to try out for this play, 110 In the Shade, for months. I feel like I have an emotional connection with the main character. I'm not an old maid or anything, but I sometimes wonder if I'll live and die alone because I am fearful of relationships (another fear I'm working on). I think the audition went okay. I was really nervous, so I didn't perform the way that I had practiced, and I cut a few notes short, but my voice didn't crack, I didn't do anything too embarrassing, and I was at least able to hold out the last note without waivering, so I think it turned out pretty well. There are a couple more days of auditions, the dance audition tomorrow and call backs on Wednesday, then I find out Thursday if I made it or not. I'm hoping. I think it will be a really good experience for me. It will definitely help me accomplish some of my goals.

Perspective

I've been thinking a lot about perspective lately. I've had several different experiences dealing with this, and my brain has been mulling over it for weeks now. Without giving any specifics, I'd like to share the conclusion I've come to.

Perspective is interesting, and it's interesting in that it seems to be different for each person. And I'm not just talking about dealing with a trial, or many. I'm talking about conversing with people and how we perceive each other. I've been called a liar, stealer, cheater, hater, discriminator, and many other hurtful things in the last few weeks. It's kind of escalated in the last little bit. That's a lot to deal with. I've been the type of person who takes comments like these personally and I begin to question my character and wonder if my accusers are correct. It's been a long road to realize that they're going to think whatever they want about me no matter who I really am. And just because they think those things about me doesn't mean I am those things.

It's still hard, and it's still something I need to continue working at to rise above, but I'm in a much better place than I used to be, even a few months ago. It doesn't matter what other people think of me, and a friend that I admire greatly pointed out to me that it is really none of my business what other people think of me, whether they're wrong or right, kind or unkind. The only person I can worry about is me. I can only know what I am truly thinking, and only I know who I really am. The Lord is not going to judge me based on how other people perceive me. Their perceptions do not define me unless I let them. No, it's not fun to have to deal with it and try to defend yourself in a Christlike manner, and it's even harder to keep the peace and try not to say anything and lash back when things continue to be blatantly thrown at you. But this is a trial that the Lord decided to give me, and it is one that I will, with His help, overcome and grow stronger because of. And I admit that I don't always react the way that I should, but I'm getting better. I am grateful for the opportunity to face these challenges because it means that I'm strong enough to withstand them, and I will one day understand the full meaning of why I was supposed to experience them.

Why I heart Batman

I thought I'd explain why I love Batman. I've literally been in arguments with people about this. I even have a group on Facebook called Batman is SO much cooler than Superman. http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=2259844744

This is pretty much the description from my group:

Batman is way cooler than Superman, or any other hero, because he doesn't have some mutant gene that forced him to be a superhero. The other "heroes," like Superman for example, thought "I'm really weird because I have this alien power and I don't want to be weird so I'll be a superhero and MAKE people like me," which is noble and all that they may use it for good, but Batman became a superhero just for the sake of helping people, for redemption, and to overcome past hardships and not so people would think he was cool. And him not saving people for glory or to not be weird makes him the freaking coolest and way more noble.